DEFEATED!

It took me two days, but nevertheless, I feel like a success because I maneuvered my way around the stupid movie theater website to find showtimes for Sherlock. I can now go to a closer theater which will lessen the motion sickness and general grossness and unpleasantries of riding the bus for 40 minutes. It makes me so happy that I don't have to go to Guri that I feel like climbing a mountain.

Speaking of public transportation, particularly the buses, I've noticed that less crazies ride the bus here than in America, specifically Minneapolis. I know it's totally cultural, but I have enjoyed not being poked in the head, groped, or forced into uncomfortable conversation with clearly mentally unstable persons for the past three years. I will have to re-learn my avoidance tactics and ninja skills.

I found out that my name actually comes from my ancestors (unknowingly bequeathed to me, but I'm still counting it).

Nanaimo

I took an ill-advised and unplanned nap this evening after walking the dogs which leaves me awake at 2am wondering what to do with myself, eating peanut brittle, and, still feeling confused as to whether it would be worth it to travel to Seoul just to see a movie.
...
After much consideration and a few hours sleep, turns out, it isn't. But, since I am left to my own devices today with little to entertain me, I will probably venture to Guri and enjoy the hijinks of Mr. Holmes. Tin Tin will have to wait for me in America.

I got this amazing Vaseline cream that makes my hands feel baby soft. I keep rubbing them together and sniffing at them because it makes me feel like I have baby hands.

Things That Make Me Fat

I've been eating too much pasta I think. Pasta makes you fat.
I strongly considered buying a holiday cake with which to ring in the new year, but the thought of sitting by myself eating a whole cake was....disconcerting.
My one pizza a month rule was tossed out the window this month as I ate pizza 5 times! Plus, a new friend in my life has begun to bring me candy whenever I see him so there's also that.

Next Blog

I keep clicking the NEXT BLOG button to see what comes up and...there are some oddballs out there.
1st try: A woman ponders the allure of the color red.
2nd try: Murder poetry.
3rd try: A housewife with five flippin' children talkin' bout Jesus.
4th try: Titled Turkey Cookies

I am really craving a grilled cheese and a good movie date.

Movements

I will be moving in April from one continent to another so January will begin an ultimate nationwide job search and figuring out flight plans for me and my Louis. ULTIMATE! which makes it that much more intense. The northwest seems to be calling my sweet name, but who knows where the wind will take me. Realistically, unless I have a job lined up I suppose I won't be able to move anywhere except Wisconsin which is a bit...undesired. Minneapolis is an upgrade, also where all my books are at the moment, but the snow, OH THE SNOW!! But after a few years of not having to drive, as well as not trudging through endless amounts of snow and ice during the wintertime has spoilt me.
I love her. I keep watching and laughing and watching and laughing. I never tire of her.

New Mop

Poppy is not enthused about my man-handling her so early in the morning as you may be able to tell from her expression. And Louis is being most uncooperative in my attempts to document 2011 together. He refuses to let me pick him up. I think he can sense that I have weak arms.

Noodlebox

I ate the best pad thai ever today that came in the cutest Chinese take out box. Noodles in a box! Can you believe it?!?!! The highlight of my week so far which doesn't say much about my life these days.

The End

This holiday season has come and gone without much fanfare on my part. I went out Christmas Eve for dinner, but aside from that the celebrations were limited to staring contests (yes, plural) with Louis and the reuniting of myself and jellybeans.

Tomorrow is New Years Eve which has never held much guff with me. The last enjoyable one I think was with Scotty in 2008 eating Pineapple Fried Rice and sitting at a bar talking about Beastie Boys and pondering the wonders of life, really putting our History degrees to work. Oh how things have changed. I'm not upset about not having anything to do this year, but I do miss the gang in Minneapolis quite a bit, especially after the magnificent post of gifts.

After watching the first half of 30 Minutes or Less I am now afraid to get unexpectedly ether'd.

Besties

2011:
-Paris Baguette coffee buns
-Adventure Time
-Spacious apartment suitable for dancin'
-Red pants
-Red Chucks (never worn at the same time, mind you)

Looking forward to:
-Use of 2012 Pets Rock calendar
-Many glorious, educational chats with nephew and niece about how things work since I've been gone
Most Importantly!
-Never teaching again in my entire life after March 31st

Canadia

I am a 26 year old lady that has never called on our neighbors to the north. I wonder how many Americans have never been to Canada...it's so mysterious to me. They have different things, but they talk like us! My wee brain can't handle it.

Finally took my passport in to be renewed. Now I won't be trapped in Korea forever if shit goes down. Well, hopefully things will hold out for another two weeks at least, otherwise...goodbye friends :)

I'm feeling very anxious about the coming year, what with all the changes happening. I will be changing countries, jobs, and who knows what else. I think I worry most about getting a wee job. But I suppose change is good in one way or another.

I was feeling a bit down in the dumps this week, but my glorious friends made it all better with their lovely gifts! It made me feel very special...and now have very titillating reading material. Titillating. I really think Kristen Schaal and I would be the best of friends if given the chance. Her, Eugene Mirman and I would have such adventures!

I believe I will round out 2011 by seeing either TIn Tin or Sherlock Holmes. If I get really crazy I might even see both!! But that might be a little too much excitement for one day.

Shucks

My excitement about receiving a mysterious package from the States was dashed today. Of course only after trudging to the post office was I informed that the package was the one my friend was waiting for from his mother and was delivered on Saturday. I thought someone had thought of me and spontaneously mailed off some goodies to surprise me. So much speculation on my part as to what was going on, but turns out it was nothing. Cold cheeks and no packages does not a happy Kari make. Oh well, my parents already sent me something a week earlier and no one else knows my address so I don't know what I was thinking.

Dr. What?

Very excited to be in the midst of watching the Dr. Who Christmas special, but I must say, little red headed boys with thick glasses that make their eyes look enormous really annoy me. They are always causing problems and creating disturbances. Really, who opens a Christmas gift before Christmas? What a little terd...OMG! Bill Bailey!!!!!!!!!!! Ok, I should probably stop "live blogging" this episode otherwise my thoughts will be all scattered and rambling.

It's -4 degrees Celsius and I still have to walk the dogs.

Good lord it's only Tuesday...

Fat Buns

Many moons ago I tried my hand at registering for online ordering at Dominos in Korea. I blundered my way through the registration and everything, putting names and numbers in the proper places...but alas, my dreams were never realized. And yet, I continue to receive messages about Dominos that make me feel like a fat butt because I get emails from Dominos.

First Christmas alone...well not really because I have LOU and my newest foster dog, Ms. Poppy. She is such a sweetheart compared to Kip. I must primp her for a photoshoot later on this week when I am less tired.

Large Measurement

Clearly I have been away from snow covered land for far too long, as I have forgotten the tricks of the trade so to speak. There was a light dusting of snow this morning and as I gaily traipsed up the hill to school I took a digger, letting out a small shriek which seemed to phase no one.

Oh My Glob

For the most part, I find oranges intolerable because of the pulp on the outside. The little Christmastime oranges, otherwise known as Clementines, are usually the exception as it is easier to get the white off the actual fruit and have a smooth sweet delight right at your fingertips. I am very meticulous about trying to get ALL the white stuff off before eating a slice so they are mostly enjoyed in the privacy of my own home or classroom where I can take as long as I please to pick off every last vile piece of pulp. This morning, I thought I would enjoy a nice orange and watch Adventure Time while I tried to work up the figs to get ready for the day. But my hopes were dashed because the pulp on this little bugger was refusing to come off in a timely fashion. It was refusing to come off full stop! So displeased...but Adventure Time heals all wounds.

Gettin' Pumped

I listen to this song everyday as I climb the hill to work just to pump myself up for the day.


I suppose I should really be listening to this instead to make it more English-y

I Am An English Teacher

In case you were curious about what I do here as a teacher, here's a little snippet of what I do:

Nooks or Fires?

I am debating purchasing a new ebook reader. Like a clumsy kookabura I broke mine last year and have yet to replace it. BUT so many choices!! Should I go commercial and get one legit or a Chinese knockoff that also can do other magical things like watch movies? I am only speculating that it can do other things based on the pictures and colors...not actually the translation of anything since it is in Korean and I can't be bothered. The Nook appeals to me because it is named, The Nook. Kindle though has other features like, something to do with libraries. As you can see I have researched this very thoroughly.

A third grade boy had a beautiful fur vest on today.

The Lodger

I had my first real house guest this week. I took in a hobo I met wandering the streets of Itaewon. It was so exhilarating, I felt like I was really living on the edge.

I realized I really like walking. My lodger and I have done a lot of walking the past few weeks and it has been magical. Now he has gone, like dust in the wind, off to explore and live in the forests of Japan; just him and his hammock. I think I've entered a new stage in my life, cavorting with strangers, and having the time of my life doing so.

Now it's back to the grind and it is definitely colder up in these parts than Daegu. It was like, -7 degrees Celsius this morning. I don't think it ever even dropped to 0 in Daegu. I'm in for a hard winter. At least there's nothing tempting me to go outside for, except Cherryade, unlike Daegu which held so many wonders and delights like spicy rice cake and coffee shops. I think this will give me a chance to reacquaint myself with the harsh winters I have waiting for me back home.

Happy Turkey Day

Dashed

Looks like my Christmas will involve nothing but work. No time off until January which really boils my blood for some reason. Someone should tell Obama to stop praising the South Korean education system because it blows. Children should have more playtime...and also me. I'll go whisper it into his ear the next time I see him.

My dog has cozied up to the first stranger EVER in all his short lifetime. I was so impressed. With both him and my friend's dog whispering skills.

Buds

It is 5am and my dog is looking at me like, "Why are you bothering me?" He has been giving me this look quite often of late, but last night he was super cuddly, even came and laid his head on my leg as I sat in front of the mirror fiddling with my hairs. It's his new thing and it has my full approval.


I need to learn how to be sneakier when taking candid pictures. There was a group of children huddled around a small fire in the dried out river and I thought they looked like a bunch of little hobos so I tried to whip out my camera and look like I was taking a picture of the landscape, but they saw and quickly manuevered themselves so the fire could not be seen.

Thanks to my bestest best Korean friend, I can finally get my ipod fixed and listen to classics such as these:
Bawitdaba
Your Love
If I Had A Million Dollars
Wannabe
Among others. Life is so sweet.

I'd like a time machine so I could assassinate whoever it was that decided sweatpants weren't "business casual." Actually, I remember my 8th grade science teacher wearing sweatpants a lot....but many a class period we just watched episodes of The Twilight Zone and alien abduction movies. Sweatpants 1: Public Education 0

I Believe I Can Fly

My fear of birds will finally be overcome as we become one. All thanks to this little number available just in time for Thanksgiving, the most terrifying of all bird themed holidays. (They are pajamas by the way.)

Predicament: I like eating Pho (sans tripe), but saying the name makes me feel lethargic. As if there is more to the name, but I can't be bothered.

Baby Pie

Sunday mornings

Baby Foot

It feels like cruel and unusual punishment that I have to get up before the sun rises.

I feel guilty leaving my pup at home which forces me to live vicariously through the lives of friends who go out and do fun things.

This magical photo was taken by Miss Anna Gail, whose name alone delights me to immeasurable proportions.

That's Quite Enough, Toby Keith

There is this third grade girl who occasionally comes up behind me and starts giving me a shoulder massage. It is the most enjoyable massage I think I have ever received. She has these strong little hands that needle their way deep into the muscle. I want to hire her as my personal masseuse, but I suppose that would be inappropriate what with her having to learn the ABC's and other garbage.

Fit to Burst

I know it's not even Thanksgiving yet, but I would like to sit atop a mound of frosted sugar cookies (the kind only made at Christmastime in the Strand household) and eat my way to the bottom. Throw in some peanut butter bon bons and my life would be complete.

It is Halloween day, but luckily I am in Korea so I don't have to smell all those Halloween smells that accompany plastic costumes and face paint. I have argued before that Easter is the better holiday for candy, but I give you this as my second food related argument.
It appears to be some sort of Halloween bread, possibly a pastry, but it looks like something the Pillsbury Doughboy pooped out. The glossy sheen is what puts me off the most I think. I suppose it's unfair because, really, what can stand up to an Easter ham? Ain't no party like an Easter ham party!

Sunday Funday

To my delight I learned that a handful of banks are open on Sunday for migrant workers (me.) So I ventured into Seoul early in the morn to do my business.

Sights and Sounds:
1.) An elderly lady was making a small pile of garbage underneath her (LITTER BUG!) I think she was trying to be stealthy, but I caught her.

2.) Two small girls took a tumble right into a mud puddle and commenced with blood curdling screams.

3.) I have never seen a real life baby sitting in one of those bumbo chairs, but today was the day. She was sitting right there in the restaurant and I was fascinated...I don't know what it was that mesmerized me so much. I think it was because it looked so unnatural. A baby sitting like a regular person when their bodies are so lumpy and troll-like.


I am missing Daegu these days. The availability of delicious foodstuffs was so much easier to obtain. Five minute walk and I could feast on spicy rice cakes and dumplings, but here I am forced to make my own food. Can you believe it?!!

Ice Cream Mountain

I was blown away today when I learned that there is an actual Ben and Jerry responsible for such succulent treats. And of course they're old and bearded. I hope to be greeted by a pint of Americone Dream as soon as my little tootsies touch US soil.

The folks upstairs are making quite a racket these days. I hear lots of banging and rhythmic stomping.

New hobby: sketching portraits of celebrities. Meet Ned Danson, Ted's creepy younger brother.

If I never knit anything else in my lifetime except for these two dog hats...I will be satisfied.

Them's Learning English

Boy: Teacher, you look so Korean now. When you first came you looked...
Me: Beautiful?
Boy: No.

School lunch has been going downhill lately. But tomorrow, blessed Wednesday, the menu lists barbecued duck. I am more excited about it than I probably should be, but I've been eating stir fried kimchi with rice, chicken fried rice, and kimchi pancakes so my meals at school bring me my only thrills. I also found these delightful rice bowls at Emart which have reconnected me with my roots via teriyaki chicken.

Louis, whether he appreciates it or not, is now the center of my life and I really wish I could carry him around in a papoose-like contraption all the day long.

I wonder how comfortable a pair of baggy pants held up only by suspenders would be. They look plenty comfortable and I always see old men wearing them. Lord knows they love comfort!

Here's what I need- some brown linen trousers, a couple of wigs, and a friend in a white business skirt suit. My halloween dreams will come true.

Treat Yo' Self

Oh the delight of freshly shorn hair. I don't think I love anything more than getting a hair cut. Something about having my head pulled this way and that brings me back to childhood. Plus, my hair never looks better than right after a haircut because they do such magical things to it. Magical hairdresser secrets.

She told me I should get a magic perm at the end. At first she thought I had a wave perm, but I had to say, "No...it's just my crazy hair." I think next month I will go back and get the elusive magic perm. STRAIGHT HAIR WOO! Although I did not appreciate the strange look of wide-eyed confusion when I didn't know what the girl at the desk was asking me. She looked at me like I was an alien.

This will be the winter of Kari. Bring on the sweaters! Bring on the knit hats! It will be brilliant and warm.

The Key to My Heart is Giant Cookie Shaped

The click clacking of clavas from down the hall sends me right back to middle school band practice.

Grape season is over, but now we enter the clementine season which is arguably better because they are easier to transport and a pleasant citrusy odor is left on your hands to comfort you throughout the afternoon.

I really really really really really really really want one of those giant luxury cookies. Something along the lines of this.

Then I would sit in the middle of the mall, preferably fountain adjacent, and go to town. It would also amuse me to think that passerbys would think to themselves, "She does not look like a Little Slugger," and possibly accuse me in their mind of stealing a young child's gigantic cookie.

At the end of every week I have to resist the urge to play Rebecca Black's "Friday" while dancing wildly around the room, taunting the sixth graders.

I decided to watch some dog training videos today in my down time. Hopefully I will be able to master it. The videos really made me want another dog for some reason. I think I just want something to carry around like a baby. Louis is too heavy and doesn't like to be picked up. He's quite finicky that way. I pounced on him this morning, much to his discomfort. I like to roll him whenever possible as well, just so he remembers who's boss.

I wish I had a little mini heater and an air mattress so I could crawl under my desk and nap after lunch. It's 14 degrees celsius in here today compared to yesterday's blazing 15. The internets tell me that is upper 50s American style, but it still feels really cold to me. I keep my house between 26-28 so maybe that makes it feel extra cold when I venture out.

There Aren't Any Filthy Astronauts Living Around Here

I cried when I had no shoes.
Until I met a man who had no feet.
And then I laughed. Really hard.
-Gerri Blank

My go-to pick me up tv shows: Upright Citizens Brigade, Strangers with Candy, and Arrested Development.

I really need a haircut. I keep telling myself I need to go do it, but for some reason it never comes to fruition. I think I'm intimidated by all the contraptions I see in the window.

My dinner of fried kimchi and tofu has filled the house with quite a pungent odor that immediately became unpleasant the second I was done eating. I wish it would go far far away, but that would require opening the windows, which I am too delicate to tolerate at this juncture.

I would like to make a Dancing With Cats type collage, except all the pictures would be of me and Louis instead of cats. He would be sitting or laying in various positions with me dancing around him. He isn't as lively as those cats and I find that, in general, he is unamused by my dancing.

Reds

The gingers of my childhood.







I'd like to gather them all in one room and circle around me.

No Soup On A Bench

I wish I lived in Pawnee so I could be Leslie Knope's friend. I would reach out the olive branch and bridge the divide between the library and parks and rec department.

This may be a fat person thing to say, but the young lass who bagged my cinnamon roll totally ruined the cream cheese frosting on the top. She haphazardly threw it in top down and then sideways (!) so all the frosting rubbed off on the bag. I had half a mind to march back down there and show her how it's done...but that would be weird and she probably wouldn't understand what was happening.

Somehow my Louis manages to maneuver his way around the squeakers in his toys. I think he actually fully disabled one of them so it no longer squeaks at all. He's pretty much a genius.

Pizza Pizza

I allow myself one pizza a month and today was the day! I even got free salad bar side dishes because it took an hour instead of 30 minutes. If only the salad bar wasn't gross. Cold sweet mashed potatoes, ice berg lettuce, wet onions, a little canned corn, aloe jello, and cold sweet tomato pasta. They really like to put sugar in places where they don't belong. So much gross food, what's a gal to do.


Is Little Caesars Pizza officially out of business? I loved those commercials. I always wanted to take those breadsticks away from that little man. HE DIDN'T DESERVE THOSE BREADSTICKS!!!!

Louis has been as happy as a cat eating cheesecake now that Kip is gone. I can't carry him around like a newborn baby, but I can lie on top of him like a warm furry little body pillow.

Kudos to the maracas player in Foster the People. It's hard to look cool while playing the maracas, but you sir pull it off beautifully.

While listening to the Pod F Tompkast, I realized his accompianist is named "Eban." What a brilliant name. It immediately draws people in because they are forced to make a split second decision as to whether the person saying the name has a speech impediment, your hearing is wonks, or they are actually saying "Eban" and not "Evan." It's tricksy, it's dangerous, it's swirled in mystery, and I love it.

If you tell me you don't love things dressed up in bee costumes, YOU ARE A LIAR.

For some reason I always want to call this actor Andrew Garfield. If I knew him personally I would suggest a name change.

Ultimate Fantasy Dinner Party

Catherine O'Hara
Fred Willard
Wallace Shawn
Ray Ramano
Bronson Pinchot as Balki from Perfect Strangers
Elllie Kemper as Erin from The Office
Kaitlin Olsen
Stephen Merchant (to add a little culture)
Tig Notaro
I don't know if any of these people would get along...but I would like to talk to all of them face to face and maybe sit next to them, invading their personal bubbles. Perhaps some light shoulder stroking would also be involved. You never can tell with these things.

Unrelated- I love the sound old timey (aka 1990s) computer keyboards make. Another thing I took away from Sleepless in Seattle: I want a pull down map of the United States in my kitchen with which I could educate folks.
I made a wish list of things for Louis on Amazon...that little creature has no idea what's in store for him back in America. Raincoats, paw mittens, sweaters, and more! I wonder if they make kidney bean costumes for dogs...

Great Pumpkin

Autumnal words of wisdom: "Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker." -Linus van Pelt

Oh Halloween candy, when will we meet again?

Since there is no Doctor Who until Christmas, I had to resort to a Nora Ephron marathon today. After a little When Harry Met Sally, Sleepless in Seattle, and You've Got Mail, it turns out my perfect man is some sort of Tom Hanks/Billy Crystal combo and that is slightly unsettling. I'm still not sure what that says about me and my taste for men.

I swear this is the last one...he's just so darn key-yoot!

There is a faint smell of wet dog permeating the nostrils at the moment, but both dogs are spick and span. I have just learned of a magical instrument called The Furminator. Someday it will be mine. I'll show that fur who's boss!

Cuddlebug

Curious Case of Adoptive Parents

For every wonderful adoptee story, there's always the ones that slip through the cracks that people don't talk about. Not every adoptee gets a happy home. Just something to think about.

Recently there have been two emergencies in our adoptee community. Matthew, who was adopted to the U.S., was brutally attacked and thrown in front of a car by a white American male in Itaewon on Oct. 1. He sustained two fractures in his jaw and is not able to eat solid food, much less work. In addition, his parents did not get him naturalized in the U.S. so he is living as a Korean citizen who cannot speak Korean, which makes finding work for him difficult.
Tim was found by another adoptee, Michael Moon, on the streets in Itaewon around mid-August. Tim, whose parents also did not get him U.S. citizenship, was deported from the U.S. more than half a year ago. He became homeless while in Korea because he had no one to care for him; he lives with a mental illness for which he received social security benefits in the U.S. which was left untreated when he came to Korea. He has been in the care of Pastor Kim, Jane, and Michael for about one month now. Because of his disability it is hard for him to live at KoRoot, so he is living in a gosiwon in Itaewon now. It is our understanding that he will need to be supported by the community for one year for his living costs. After one year, he will be able to classified as handicapped and receive benefits from the Korean government. (Michael and I have called his parents, and they want absolutely nothing to do with him and will not give a penny toward his living expenses, and they do not want him to come back to the U.S.)
As members of the adoptee community and our friends, no matter what your organizational affiliation, please help give Matthew and Tim a temporary lift as they work their way toward self-sufficiency by participating in this potluck dinner and silent auction fundraiser. Sometimes all we have is each other.
For friends overseas who would like to contribute, you can send funds to TRACK's accounts. This is not a "TRACK project," but rather, someone needs to administrate the funds and TRACK's accounts are set up so we can withdraw and use the money in Korea. The accounts are:
Paypal: truthreconcile@gmail.com
Woori Bank - SWIFT Code : HVBKKRSEXXX
Acct: 1002-738-888382 TRENKAJANEJEONGTRACK

Kari Strand's Steps to Best Friendship

Step 1. I take a tumble off your bean bag chair, recliner, love seat, ottoman, or hammock.

Step 2. Share a meal of bacon and/or baked goods are made.

Step 3. Reminisce about past experiences playing a musical instrument. Extra points if a band camp or marching band anecdote is included.

Step 4. At any point in time we brush each other's hair. Not necessarily simultaneously or in sequence, nor does it have to be in the same room, the same day, or the same year. As long as hair brushing is both received and given, this step will be considered complete.

Step 5. Undergarments are strewn, without shame, in any number of scenarios. Hanging from ceiling fixtures, thrown at your head, worn as accessories, adorning furniture, or sling-shotted around the room (to everyone's delight, of course) are all possibilities, although many variations are likely to occur.

Step 6. Your feet come in contact with mine and revolt is not demonstrated by either party.

Step 7. A variety of hats are worn together for no reason other than to wear hats and/or pretend to be pirates/private detectives.

Step 8. The final, and most important step- the sleepover. True friendship is waking up to me staring at you.

Breakfast Soup

I ate soup for breakfast today and felt like a real Korean. It took some coaxing before I felt comfortable enough to really dig in, like I was flaunting some sort of breakfast law. The Cookie Crisp Policeman will be after me, no doubt, then I'll be on the run like the Trix Bunny and Lucky Charms leprachaun.

Kipper

A new couple is interested in Kip. I suppose it's probably good since I end up treating him more and more like my little baby every passing day. Every time someone is interested in him I get a really strong urge to keep him, but I'm trying to keep in mind the time he ate all those eggs and tore the garbage apart so the feelings subside. I am part of this group on facebook, Animal Rescue Korea that does a lot of work for abandoned animals in Korea, but people really went off on this girl that had to give her newly adopted puppy back because it had seperation anxiety. It makes me feel a little nervous about giving Kip away, but if we stay in touch then I can at least be there to take him back if they find they don't want him. And, both strays I've found and re-homed have been successful so I'm feeling positive about it. I'm also debating whether I should foster another animal if Kip gets adopted. J thinks that I should absolutely not and focus on training Lou. It is sometimes stressful to have two animals when I'm only one small person...maybe a cat. Definitely not another dog....unless it's super small and super calm. I think those are far and few between though. Even Kip is a bit of a terror sometimes. Yes, definitely only a cat if the need arises. It's settled then.

My three day weekend was a success. It was relaxing and I got a bit of laundry done while chasing my dogs around the apartment with my dancing and pointing (I like to point at them a lot with finger guns just to keep them on their toes). I did have the most terrible tacos due to my unwise decision to be spontaneous and order Buffalo Chicken Tacos; not realizing that my old archnemisis Blue Cheese would be involved. I guess in retrospect, I have no concept of what "buffalo" means when joined with a meal. I assumed it would just be a spicy chicken taco. Apparently it means piling a mound of fried onions atop of a mound of chicken, very sneakily covering a layer of blue cheese cubes, adding a little lettuce and tomato on the side, as well as some sliced avocado, with a sauce I did not recognize or partake of due to its creamy, mayonaise-esque appearance. I was sorely disappointed, but the rice and beans were good. Lesson learned, On The Border, lesson learned. On my official holiday (Monday) I meant to get more housework done, but instead read the Hunger Games and made soup.

I've been thinking lately about my own time in elementary school and how some of the children here can tolerate going through such easy English lessons when their own English level is so much higher. The only times I can remember being really annoyed was during class reading time where the teacher would pick students to read aloud from the book we all read together. There were those kids who could only read one word per minute and with no inflection or storytelling ability. I'd always end up reading ahead and try to quiet the urge to rip the book from their hands and do it myself or yell out how to pronounce "photograph." And it always infuriated me to no end during music class when the teacher would never call on me even though I was the only one with my hand raised (yes I was that child). But now, seeing how the same students answer all the questions and, if left unchecked the other students will just rely on the one or two to give the answers, I give her a little credit. Not much...but a little. Like a thimble's worth of credit.

Toughnuts

I like parties, it's balloons I don't like. Don't talk to me about balloons. Balloons explode, Jen. They explode suddenly and unexpectedly. They are filled with the capacity to give me a little fright. And I find that unbearable.
Roy always manages to sum up my feelings about life perfectly.


I need this dog stat. TOO CUTE!!!!!!! I'm obsessed with dogs lately. I really love the small ones now, but only if they're not yippy. There is a dog across the hall that is always yipping when it hears someone. I find the family strange as well. The wife did a lot of peeping out the door at us. She would actually crack the door open and watch while we were in the hall. They have a dog, and yet the woman acts afraid of my dogs even though they ignore her. They have a son in high school and one day the father opened the door at the same time I was coming out and the boy was standing in the doorway in nothing but his tighty whities. As soon as he saw me he ducked back behind the corner, but I found it amusing nonetheless.

I ate too much today. I think it's the change in weather and not wanting to go out. I like being tucked into bed with my pups around me, sipping on various beverages and watching my programs.

Eye Ache

There was a brand spankin' new baby on the bus home today. I could tell because its eyes still had that shiny new eye look. Kinda glazed, like the dirt and pollution haven't spoiled them yet. It had a really full tuft of hair though. If I didn't know any better I would have placed bets on it being a toupe. And I wouldn't put it past some crazy Korean mother, worried about the amount of hair her newborn baby has, to buy one and glue it on its head.

My coteacher was practising health terms with the kids today and listing the names of things like, sore throat, headache, stomachache. She was just asking for words and one boy shouted, "EYE ACHE!" and then looked utterly perplexed when I burst into laughter. Why don't we call it an eyeache? I suppose because it sounds so ridiculous.

Big Oma's House

I feel like if Koreans could understand black culture and conquer their fear of everyone with dark skin, Tyler Perry could really clean up here. They love men dressed as women. LOVE IT. Every show has at least one segment if not more of men dressed as women. The boy bands always have a go, at least once a year, dressing up like the girl bands and performing their songs. This is a comedy group, but you get the picture.

Not that Tyler Perry needs more money, but it's something to think about movie makers! Maybe I should make Koreanized versions of his films and make my own easy 13 mill.

So you think you're a twink Jonah Hill? No no, my friend, this is a twink.


Small children are chanting something in another area of the school. Filtered through the walls, floors, and my own mind it sounds like, "Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya! Hi-ya!" I picture a class full of them karate chopping their way through the afternoon.

So Not Worth It

Well well, let's just chalk this up to another life lesson Korea has so graciously bequeathed me. I had made many assumptions as to how this day would have gone, and you know what assuming does. First and foremost, I thought "let's go see a movie" meant traversing to the movie theater not more than two miles away from the school. Let me say that again, Not More Than Two Miles Away. From certain areas of the school I can actually see the movie theater. For reasons unknown to me, the decision had been made to go to the Guri movie theater. Guri is an hour away from the school, maybe 40 minutes by car. Next, the movie choice was Mr. Poppers Penguins. I could go a thousand lifetimes without having to have to see Mr. Poppers Penguins. It was the thought that counted though as the other teachers didn't want me to see a movie I couldn't understand. Although, the movie didn't start until 3:30. Meaning I wouldn't get home until 6:30. Roughly TWO HOURS after I normally get home. My plans to see a movie and then get to go home early were brutally dashed. Alright, I got a free movie and some ice cream waffle out of the deal. Let's move on to the content of the movie. Not only did they completely bastardize the delightful memories I have of the classic book, but they did it while forcing me to watch Jim Carey mince about the screen. I made some mental notes during the film in order to give the full experience of what I had to sit through.
1.) I realize every story has to have a villain, but in this particular story, the villain was the zookeeper who is concerned, and rightfully so might I add, about the well-being and care of the penguins. In this universe, the New York Zoo is the enemy.
2.) The mom, the character who is supposed to be the most responsible shown by the fact that the children like her better, not only approves of her 10 year old son receiving six LIVE penguins as a birthday gift, but is upset and disappointed that Popper has given them to the zoo. AND! She is 100% A-OK with her children living in Antarctic conditions. Stay longer, she says, sleep over, she says. Homeless people DIE if they sleep outside in the dead of winter, but by all means, please keep all the doors and window open and shovel snow into the living room. That sounds like a safe environment for children.
3.) The ending (SPOILER ALERT!) results in the entire family bringing the penguins back to the Antarctic to be reunited with their penguin brethen. Have they seen March of the Penguins?! PENGUINS ARE DYING OUT THERE MAN!!!!! Really, Popper? That's a better environment for your precious penguins than a zoo where they are fed regularly and are never in danger of being eaten by free Willy. Really? REALLY?!
4.) The expression "Who gives a rat's butthole" was used to display the rough and tumble manner of New Yorkers.
However, there were two redeeming qualities of this film.
A.) I was relieved to see Angela Lansbury is still alive. Totally thought she was dead.
B.) There was a pretty good BLT/Kareem Abdul Jabbar joke I enjoyed, and was also the only one in the entire theater laughing.
C.) I love penguins and it made me really want to hold a penguin.

At the end, as we were leaving, my co-teacher asked me if it was worth it to wait and everything. I smiled, chuckled, and then said, "Well, I've got to go. See you tomorrow!" I wonder if she got the message.

G'morning

Assuming the small girl who tapped me on the arm and said "Hello" on the bus this morning was a student at my school, I began a conversation of mixed Korean and English:
Girl: Hello
Me: Hi.
Girl: 영어선생님이요? [Are you an English teacher?]
Me: Yes.
Girl: (Korean I didn't understand)
Me: I don't speak Korean.
Girl: (stares at me for a few seconds and then continues talking in Korean)
Me: I don't know what you're saying.
Girl: (pauses) Apple?
Me: What? Apple?
Girl: Apple 먹었어요? [Did you eat an apple?]
Me: Yes...
Girl: 저도요. [Me too.]
Then she got off the bus at a different elementary school, leaving me utterly perplexed as to why she randomly said hello to me and, more importantly, HOW DID SHE KNOW I ATE AN APPLE?! I did, however, enjoy her nonchalant attitude towards us both eating apples. She said it in a very casual manner like we were old friends.

Cooking

I realize I am a grown woman, but the idea of using a Dutch oven still makes me giggle. I really really really want to buy an electric oven since I can do more cooking and make pizzas and stuff, but it would also add to the amount of things I will eventually have to rid myself of, or figure out how to send home....it's a pickle. Meanwhile, I must survive by skillet alone!

I was invited to watch a movie with the teachers after lunch tomorrow...I accepted after hearing "you get to leave early" but word on the grapevine is we will be watching something from the Jim Carey wheelhouse which I assume will be Mr. Poppers Penguins. The jury is still out as to whether it will be worth it or not.

This evening's activities included watching one dog kill a fly, after hunting it relentlessly for a couple hours, only to be eaten by the other dog. Oh and Downton Abbey.

Ques-clamation Mark Points

I have a sneaking suspicion that the bakery sold me a day old baguette under the guise of a present day baguette. The crust was harder than usual as well as the part of the meat that was in contact with the crust.

This morning I woke up a half hour later than usual, but fortunately I had purchased a breakfast sandwich the day before. I could liken it to an egg mcmuffin because it was of the english muffin variety of sandwiches, but believe you me, it was no mcmuffin. There was some white sauce coupled with a red sauce but I refused to investigate further since I was so hungry and in a hurry. You win again Paris Baguette.

I am continually disappointed by the lack of things that work in this country outside of Seoul. I tried to look up ingredients of a donut at the aforementioned Paris Baguette in Korean or English because my Kipper had eaten it and I was worried about the chocolate. Anyway, the website had NO INFORMATION about anything. The American site at least had pictures of the products listed. The only picture on the Korean website was some drawing of a bakery and the words for bread, cake, and other. And then! and THEN this morning I waited for the bus for 20 minutes only to have it zoom past, leaving myself and others staring in wonderment at what just happened. The thing that really grinds my gears is that this particular bus seemingly has no schedule. The timing that shows up at the bus stop is never correct either. It's literally a guessing game and it. is. infuriating. I asked my coteacher when I started at this school if there was a listing of bus schedules I could look at for the buses and her reply, maybe somewhere on the internet. THEN HOW DO YOU FIND ANYTHING?!??!?!! I am patiently awaiting my return to normalcy and civilization.

I'm having a love affair with Lambrusco wine lately. The alcohol content is so low I can have two whole glasses!!! Can you believe it?!
I wonder if Tig Notaro would hire me as her assistant. I adore her green shoes she wore on Conan. GREEN SHOES GREEN SHOES! I chanted that at the screen while I watched it.
Maybe it's the wine, but both SNL and the Jonah Hill episode of Conan made me laugh and laugh and laugh. Sidenote, Jonah Hill looks like his head has somehow been biologically photoshopped onto another body. I don't understand why he still has such a large head and tiny tiny hands. Also, he referred to himself as a twink, but..... I beg to differ. He's not fat anymore, but I think "twink" is a reach.

How come when I google image search Carol Channing, photos of Johnny Depp are interspersed among the results? You are no Carol Channing, sir, and how dare you try to fool me into thinking so.

High points of losing my sense of smell due to a stuffy nose: I can roam the countryside without being assaulted by the fog of manure that has encapsulated my neighborhood.

The Em Dash

I'm trying to find online work I can do in my down time to raise some extra moola, so far no one has hired me, but today I got a request to send a sample out. In the posting it specified that applicants know what an "em dash" is and how to use it. Instinctively I went straight to Wikipedia to find out and was greeted by this delightful example of usage:

At that age I once stabbed my best friend, Fred, with a pair of pinking shears in the base of the neck, enraged because he had been given the comprehensive sixty-four-crayon Crayola box—including the gold and silver crayons—and would not let me look closely at the box to see how Crayola had stabilized the built-in crayon sharpener under the tiers of crayons.

The more you know.

Living alone really messes with my ability to distinguish my dreams from reality. I can't think of any examples at the moment, but just in the general sense of seeing and talking to people. Lately I've found myself in the midst of a murder mystery dreamscape, but that's most likely attributed to my habit of watching Hercule Poirot mysteries before bedtime. Last night I had a weird one, but all I can remember is that it involved some sort of chocolate, my dogs, and straw on the floor. Not really sure where all that was headed, but I wish I could remember because it sounds intriguing in hindsight.

Woohoo

I admit it, I am a closet CSI fan. I'll give you two reasons.
1. Cowboy Curtis joined the cast in 2008.

2. The spanking new boss of the Las Vegas Police Crime Scene Investigators is none other than one MISTER TED DANSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so excited, there are no words.

My Wife

Some things in the English language have forever been changed for me. For instance, I will never again hear someone say, "my wife" in any context, any sentence structure, without immediately following it up in my head with Borat's voice repeating it.

Two fifth grade girls both had broken arms, one the left and the other the right. I imagine it was because of some ultimate high-fiving action gone wrong, but I can't be sure.

I need this

Pooch

I want this dog, or at least little slippers to put on my own dog's feet.

Kip is leaving. They are sending him to Canada. Apparently some woman is arranging a family to adopt him there. Hopefully everything will work out. I wasn't expecting such an occurrence so I have to rush and get all his vaccines and stuff. I think it's just rabies, but I hope it works out for him. I will feel so guilty if he can't go for some reason because I was lazy. I do love love love having a little dog I can carry around and squeeze whenever I please. Louis is nice and everything but he doesn't like being crowded and he's far to big for me to carry. I have to find some sort of wagon or cart soon so I can take him to get his teeth cleaned. I got the idea from all the old women around here pushing around these tweaked out strollers. Maybe I can just find an old stroller to plop him in.

I am having a love affair with nectarines lately. Actually they're called Cheondo peaches because they come from Cheondo, but they're not peaches at all! It also makes me feel very superior and frugal because I can buy one apple for $3 or 8 nectarines for $3. Chumps.

Osaka

Whenever I hear the name Osaka I always think of this, my favorite clip from the Lion King

except I replace "Mufasa" with Osaka.

Marry Me!

Rewatching Bridesmaids and The IT Crowd...and maybe a little Submarine as well to even things out.

She seemed friendly, although I'd love to know what the last book she liked was. Because I think...it was Superfudge.
-Julie Klausner
Sometimes this is what I ponder when I meet new people.

Perfect cardigan weather today. I'm tempted to go strolling to the grocer, but my legs hurt from all the frolicking I've been doing with the dogs this past week.

This new prescription is like I bought myself a brand new pair of eyes. The world is so much brighter. I thought maybe the prescription was too strong because I had a bit of a headache yesterday, but turns out my eyes just weren't used to being able to see things clearly. It's funny how things here are so perfect for my body because EVERYONE is basically the same shapes. I've always had trouble with fitting the eye pieces with the bridge (or lack thereof) of my nose, but these fit like a dream! They're absolutely perfect and I am so pleased.

I cannot wrap my head around biting into a tomato as though it is an apple. I'm staring at a nice rotund specimen as we speak and it very briefly occurred to me to go right up to it and take a bite, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. It doesn't make sense to me. It must be sliced or chopped in some manner before I can partake. Call me old fashioned.

Salt and Pepper My Mango

Who wants this

When you can have all of this

Take note world, the pasty doughboys will one day rule us all.

Is it more distressing to see one lost shoe or the pair? A pair of errant shoes seems a little less disconcerting because they are not alone in the world. At the very least they have each other. One lone shoe bothers me because there is simply no rhyme or reason to its presence. Where did it come from? Was it tossed aside carelessly by its owner? Did someone simply misstep, losing their left shoe and, having lost all feeling in their feet years ago, they didn't even realize they were now sans shoe? Perhaps it was tossed from a moving car as one of those practical jokes youngsters are so fond of these days. I think it sits so disagreeably with me because it reminds me of those kidnapped children ads I used to see on Saturday mornings and after school specials. An empty swing swaying back and forth, a soccer ball rolling slowly through the gutter, and a dainty shoe left in a sandbox.

Check it. Breakfast of champions. (Just kidding mom)*




*not kidding.

Treats

I have treated myself today to a new pair of spectacles, cheese nips, olives, and Hercule Poirot. Agatha Christie gets me all riled up, even in film form. I found myself exclaiming and pouncing on my dog in joy when the murderer was punched in the face and fell into a pond. I'm trying to fully embrace the Korean geek-chic look. The eye exam was super quick and no air blowy thing, but cheap so I was happy.

Oh the Humanity

1 season of Freaks and Geeks
2 seasons of Pushing Daisies
3 seasons of Arrested Development

One Tree Hill is going into its NINTH SEASON! The audacity...I feel like they need to stop purely out of respect for television itself. If there is ever a committee to prosecute crimes against television viewers One Tree Hill would be the first on the chopping block. Followed quite closely by Two And A Half Men, saved only by the amazing cameos of Judy Greer and Ryan Stiles.

Cheers

I have loved Woody Harrelson ever since Cheers. The same goes for Ted Danson by the way. The television series Cheers seems to have had some sort of psycho-sexual imprint on me during childhood.

I am being assaulted with bad odors today. The children smelled absolutely awful. It was like a fog of b.o that slowly filled the room forcing me to wade through it the entire afternoon. One of the dogs, or possibly both, is also farting up a storm.

Movie Day

Ye ole favorite actors from the movies I am watching today. 60 points for friendship if you can name them.

Insane in the Membrane

I can see the dazzling lights of vacation on the horizon. Today felt especially tiring. Third graders are notoriously evil. In every school, across the board, I hardly ever hear tell of a teacher that enjoys teaching third graders English. First of all, most of them can't speak a lick of English. They can't understand me and for the most part, I can't understand them. There are a few, but they are scarce. Second, they don't want to be in school. Third, they have no self control. Or little there of. For example, today we made mini books similar to the Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See children's classic. Midway through the project, I look over and see a small boy, cute as the day is long, brandishing a scissors like a dagger. He had fire in his eyes and kept repeating something I imagine was Korean for, "Wanna go? We can do this right now, try me!" The next minute they were all laughing about some blue pig one of them drew. Pfft.

The next seven months seem like they will drag on for-ev-er. I mean, I've been working full time now for almost five months so I'm hoping the next semester will go just as fast. Plus, more vaca time in winter :)

I did a random scan of the job openings for library assistants and the job market still seems pretty bleak. I don't know yet what I will do if I can ever make it home...I'm not sure how much longer I can teach without losing my sanity.

Science

I think I might be a true scientist at heart. I've been cleaning out one of Kips ears that I only noticed recently was filthy. After a couple days of cleaning I noticed that underneath the grime were these ulcer looking things on the very edge of his inner ear. I keep cleaning it out three times a day, but there's still gunky build up. Anyway, I can't help thinking, every time I do it, "Man, I wish I had my microscope." I'd make up a wet slide you wouldn't believe!

I'm also toying with the idea of expressing Louis' anal glands. Not a pretty sight, but he's been uncomfortable with Number Two's lately so I'd like to avoid a trip to the vet Hence the cleansing of the ears.

My life lately is all dog problems and English camps. Trying to go on a few hours of sleep each night is not pleasant. On top of which I am still trying to cut out the meat and junk food entirely, but I feel like I'm going mad. I bought a steak yesterday and ate a third of it and then promptly dropped it on the floor. I suppose it's all for the best, but it was pretty delicious. I don't get school lunch anymore, since it's summer vaca, so I can't sneak my meat intake then...It wouldn't be so bad, but J is on a super health kick lately. His chili has turned into nothing but raw diced vegetables stirred into spaghetti sauce. No actual cooking is done because apparently raw veg is better than cooked. Listen, I get that there is vitamin loss, but I'm having a SUPER hard time eating nothing but this chili. I tried a bowl and I couldn't get a quarter of it down. The onion taste is overwhelming, plus the crunchiness of the raw veg just isn't suitable to chili. I wish there was some sort of middle ground we could come to, but as of now I'm segregated to eating my own stir fry creations. I want to enjoy food again, but right now it feels like a punishment :(

Feelings of Accomplishment

One week of camp down, two more to go. A few highlights:
This is the most creative thing I think I have ever seen them do.

My fav student on the right.

These two said, "teacher take a picture of us working." Except two seconds prior they were laughing like hyenas and dashing about the room. It's all a ruse so they look like good students ^^

Dirt cake makin'

Reverse Sneeze

I've been obsessed with comedy podcasts lately. That of the MatesCast and How Was Your Week variety. It's actually all just people talking, but I.Just.Can't.Get.Enough. Anyway, after listening to, really, the most delightful interview with a Miss Maria Bamford, I decided to look into the health issues associated with Pugs. By the way, I am in love with Maria Bamford. Every single time I hear her voice I fall in love even more. I think maybe it's because she has the much sought after Minnesotan accent which really draws me in and makes it feel like home. Plus we'd probably be the best of friends if we ever met in real life and she'd bring her pugs over, and my Louis would hide, and we'd laugh and laugh all the day long. Well, after much prolonged gazing, both at pictures of dogs as well as real live dogs, I decided that Kip is some sort of pug/boston terrier mix. Which only means he has some of these inbred hipster dog problems. One such issue (and please read that as "is-sue" and not "ish-shue" because that's the way I thought it in my head!) is a little something called a reverse sneeze. Kip does this every time he finishes eating or breathing. You'll know a reverse sneeze by the backwards sort of snort that starts everything off. Imagine, if you will, inhaling rather quickly and abruptly with such force that it causes an audible snort. Mind you, an inhaled snort is much different than an exhaled one. It sounds wrong and that's how you'll know. The snort is followed by a series of gagging sounds, sometimes retching, just general unpleasant noises coming out of the face area. For some reason it delighted me to no end that this very thing my Kipster does is labeled a reverse sneeze. I literally can't stop saying it to myself. I'm saying it now, as I type. I'm both picturing the reverse sneeze and writing other thoughts down at the same time. It's a talent.

Panda Dogs!

Chow chow's dyed to look like panda bears! I need more of this in my life.

Cute Patoot

My dogs and I decided to have a photo shoot before bed tonight. Louis refused to cooperate (the black lump next to me) and Kip only did so grudgingly. Now he has balanced his dog toy on my thigh and is trying to find where I put my tea. I have a sneaking suspicion he was a ninja in another life. I really really really need a vacation.

After School Specials

The Power

Even though it is a pain to not be able to take the dogs out as often, I secretely like the rainy season. It gives me an excuse to traipse around in my wellies. I feel a grand sense of power over the weather whenever I'm in my galoshes because pretty much no matter what, my feet won't get wet. And that is the ultimate achievement on a rainy day.

What I thought was just a dirty ole' ditch has now become a rushing dirty ole' river.

In the wintertime I was foiled by this branch multiple times, as it's bare body was too difficult to see. But now it has full buxom leaves and I will not be fooled again! I feel as though I've mastered the tree and have come out the reigning champion as if we were in some sort of battle.